This post appeared on my other blog in May, 2015

Today we took the Traumatic Parenting Workshop on the road for the first ever Mobile Traumatic Parenting Workshop, or TPW: Road Rage! A friend of ours from New York was in DC and we went to spend the afternoon with him and his daughter. The WORLD’S SLOWEST Uber driver ensured we were there with no time to spare. I blame bipartisan politics.

My wife was at home with our youngest because naps are not something to be taken for granted. Little did we know that we could’ve just waited for the nap to end and gone downtown with the time to spare that I mentioned above.

What follows are the text messages I sent my lovely red headed wife. All are safe for work.

Although I wish I’d thought to live tweet the whole thing, I can’t even remember to keep @SquirrelsDayOut up to date. Trying not to shout at the driver was consuming most of my brain power and a bit of my will to live. I tried to pass the time by singing the theme song to Speed Racer to my eldest daughter, but couldn’t get through it without being asked, “who’s Speed Racer?” Meanwhile, our own driver was too focused on the road to appreciate the irony.

– This might be the most cautious Uber driver ever.

– We might be cruising along 270 at 45 mph right now.

– I couldn’t figure out why it took her 10 minutes to come down [our street]. (Note: Our street is a mile long. The driver showed up almost ten minutes after we were expecting her… and I was following her on the map the entire time.)

– She actually has dueling GPS devices right now.

– A jogger just sped past us

– She’s observing the “remain 20 car lengths behind the car in front of you” protocol.

– Bugs are landing on the windshield without injury.

– We just had to wait for the traffic circle to clear.

– I should ask her if she had anything to do with my three hour trip home the other night. (No joke. I really dislike my office commute and DC traffic.)

– I’m gong to stretch my legs and walk beside the car for a while.

– If you look out the window you can probably see us

– [We’re on] Connecticut. Not quite where you used to live. (This is where my wife lived when we were dating.) We just passed Open City (a restaurant we used to like to go to.) I placed an order. A waiter said they’d bring it to our car when it’s ready.

At this point, I just gave up. Eventually we arrived at our destination. I never did get my Open City order.